The Existential Expert tackles the oncoming Rapture and second coming of Jesus Christ

The Existential Expert responds to your questions. Photo: Pixabay/LEEROY Agency.

In this edition of our weekly advice column, we discuss the slight possibility that a recent spate of horrible events is a sign of end times.

Q: Hi Sydney Sentinel,

The Lord our God is the one true God, they are spreading the good word.

It is time for the second coming from the Lord Jesus Christ. The plagues have started – Covid, disease, fires, mice and locust plagues. Just like they said would happen before Jesus comes again.

Thank you. 

Jules, via email.

EE: Hi Jules, 

Thanks very much for your message. 

Obviously, it’s not a query per se – but there are a number of conundrums implied. 

But to the crux of your point – the nature of the ‘second coming’. To your immense credit, you fiercely and passionately argue there are various signs pointing to the return of Jesus Christ. 

Your analysis refers to cataclysms that have, as of late, royally shat their rancid globules on us: “Covid, disease, fires, mice and locust plagues.” (We note you seem to have left out the cracks appearing in the trams and Diana: The Musical).

Compounding each other, like a rising crescendo of mighty drums or the increasing flatulence of a middle-aged man after eating a KFC Variety Bucket, they indeed seem to herald an apocalyptic event. On the one hand, yes – we suppose it could mean the second coming. 

On the other, it could be we are simply facing the synchronous collapse of our ecological environment and Western democracy. The accountability for this rests not with capricious whims of a narcissistic and emotionally needy deity but our very own, very Earthly, actions. 

However, the point about Jesus returning, under the circumstances, is not something we’d entirely rule out. It’s been a weird year, so the Rapture doesn’t seem all that unlikely. After all, we’ve also seen a Hey Hey It’s Saturday reunion

For the uninitiated, according to the theory, He will return from heaven – at which point all Christians, living and dead, will be caught up to meet the Lord in the air and be with Him forever. They will be also be changed to be ‘like Christ’. 

This sounds okay – and better than a rainy weekend in Coffs, which is the kind of thing most of us had planned as a getaway this year.  

Obviously, this is contingent on being Christian in the first place. If you’re not, tough luck – because have you got some shit in store for you. If you thought this year had been bad, then wait ’til the ‘great day of His wrath’ – because you’re going to be cast into an everlasting pit of fire. This place of enveloping torment and pointy sticks is worse than Marrickville Metro during the school holidays. 

Nevertheless, for Christians, there will be a new heaven and a new Earth, where righteousness is the norm – subject to zoning approval from the NSW Department of Planning, Industry and Environment.

Needless to say, in this scenario at least, Jules, there doesn’t seem to be much anyone can really do, except for minor contingencies. For example, stocking up on Aeroguard for the locust plague. 

As you’re probably aware, this rather passive ‘fuck-it-we’re-screwed-anyway’ approach defines the policy of our highest levels of government, including that of Scott Morrison. The famously Pentecostal Prime Minister is apparently so confident in the Rapture he’s not only given up on any pretence of caring about the Earth as it is, but the nature of reality itself

However, we have to say, it’s probably going to do far more for your overall wellbeing, least of all your mental health, to embrace a more proactive stance on these issues.

Whether that means taking to the streets in protest, getting vaccinated, volunteering at a homeless shelter or just abstaining from being a jerk, we recommend living in the here and now. Embrace the collective effort to sustain existence without divine intervention.

All the best!

The EE

A panacea for uncertain times, The Existential Expert is a forum where the Sentinel will address the essential questions, you – our readers – have posed. If you have a conundrum, whether it’s spiritual, philosophical or just something that makes you break out in a rash, email us at: existentialexpert@gmail.com – or tweet or DM us @sydney_sentinel. New columns are published regularly on Sundays – and you can check out previous ones here!

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is no substitute for professional advice and should not be treated as such.