Our latest column combines sex advice and our new Premier, naturally forcing us to dispense cold, hard truths.
Does the Existential Expert give sex advice?
Kat, via Twitter
What the hell, dude? Of course we do. We weren’t born yesterday – and sometimes (at least every leap year) we have sex too. What’s your problem? No seriously, what is it – we’ve definitely got the answer to your conundrum.
In fact, we’ve already responded to your question with an DM affirmative – but you never got back to us with a specific question. We hope you are alright. Are you alright, Kat?
Under the circumstances, we can do nothing but give general advice, so here it is.
Let’s assume you’ve done nothing illegal – after all, you are one of the Sentinel’s discerning readers.
As a general word of advice, firstly, don’t panic. No one is judging you, much.
If you are in a state of preparation for the act, apply clean sheets to the bed. Make sure you drink plenty of water. Stretch to avoid injury, holding each position for approximately a minute. Take deep breaths and think positive thoughts. Give thanks to St Jude, the patron saint of hopeless causes.
On the other hand, if you are dealing with the aftermath, back away slowly. Make your apologies. Put your sheets in the wash. If they’re not yours, order an Uber and make your way swiftly to your own.
And if you happen to be in the middle of things, our advice is to stop reading this article and put your phone down.
All the best,
Dominic Perrottet has put me in a couple of existential quandries. Firstly, I’m the same age as him – and he looks about twenty years older than I am. I can’t help the nagging feeling there’s a middle ground there we should both be trying to meet.
Secondly, he makes me miss Gladys – even though, at the time, I thought she was rubbish. How do I reconcile myself to all of this?
Trev, Summer HIll
Seek out objective analysis. Firstly, Gladys may present as the lesser of two evils – and a downtrodden one like a knackered stuffed toy that’s been left in the rain for a few days – but this sentiment is only clouding your better judgement. The truth can hurt but we provide it gently here.
Place your faith in science and truth. Yes, we know it’s a really tough time for them. Facts are a bit déclassé at this moment. That’s partly why the Existential Expert was founded – to be a light in the dark, a beacon of hope, a pointy stick jabbed into the flabby hide of media discourse.
Like we’ve said it before, a lot of this can be blamed on Zuckerberg.
But it doesn’t help when someone, like our new Premier, stakes a claim for being 39 when they look like they’re a couple of years off retirement from their job as a private school maths teacher. Nor does the whole “Dom” diminutive thing convince anyone he’d even be that hip churchy guy who’s really down with the kids from Bible studies.
Considering the man’s politics, this could all be part of Perrottet’s performative misinformation technique. He’s expressed approval, after all, for an expert at weaponising bullshit.
On the other hand, perhaps his God smited him over icare – just enough of a backhander to wipe any remaining colour from his face and stamp that rictus grin in its place.
More likely, it’s a combination of the preternatural aging effects of conservative politics along with the fact he’s had a lot of children; the procreative effort always make you look older. Unless you’ve got six kids, it’s probably not really worth the comparison or any of the angst.
Still, worry of any kind notoriously ages you. And since we’re likely to have a guy in charge for the next few years, you’ll have plenty of time and motivation to foster some wrinkles.
A panacea for uncertain times, The Existential Expert is a forum where the Sentinel will address the essential questions, you – our readers – have posed. If you have a conundrum, whether it’s spiritual, philosophical or just something that makes you break out in a rash, tweet or DM us @sydney_sentinel. New columns are published regularly on Sundays – and you can check out previous ones here!
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is no substitute for professional advice, and should not be treated as such.