The Existential Expert on lockdown hookups and frothing for Gladys

The Existential Expert responds to your questions. Photo: Pixabay/LEEROY Agency.

The latest edition of The Existential Expert looks at how to handle the hordes coming for you on dating apps during lockdown … and what to do when you inadvertently develop a crush on the NSW Premier. 

Q: Hello Existential Expert ,

Guys keep hitting me up on dating apps and want to meet. Obviously we can’t because of Covid. What is the best way to deal with them? I don’t want to put them off completely because it looks like we might be able to meet soon when 70 per cent of people are fully vaxxed. 

Thanks,

Mike, via Twitter

A: Dear Mike, 

Admittedly, we don’t feel particularly sorry for you in the circumstances – but we recognise it must be hard to be so hot and to be so hot in a lockdown.

Good on you for restraining yourself even if these guys hitting on you aren’t (because obviously a global pandemic isn’t a good enough reason).

Okay, without wishing to be a killjoy/bleeding obvious, perhaps the best thing is to get off the apps. Out of sight, out of mind, is an excellent policy. This rule applies to any facet of life, really, but dating especially – along with gardening and keeping in touch with extended family.

You’ll be freeing up the energy you’ll otherwise have to spend doing wholesome pursuits: say, crocheting, Jenga or masturbating. 

In the midst of lockdown, your social outlets are obviously limited but there are other apps for this – try NextDoor, for example, where you’ll frequently encounter individuals even more batshit insane than on dating sites.  

We get it, though. Hanging out on dating apps can be a fun diversion – and a social one, in its own deeply perverse way. You’re definitely not the only one to do so with zero intention of meeting up, for now at least, in the flesh. 

That being said, there are also definitely people out there – let’s face it, typically men – willing to break Covid restrictions for a shag. 

Our advice: honesty is the best policy. If you eventually want to meet up, but not right now, then you need to be upfront from the get-go. It won’t work to apply your little caveat halfway through a bit of flirtatious chit-chat (as a side note, we absolutely refuse to acknowledge the abhorrent term ‘bantz’).  

Suggest to them that you get to know each other on social media. This will help broaden the limits of the encounter beyond the merely physical – which will increase your chances of staying in contact. 

Unfortunately, it must be said, if a hookup is basically their M.O., it’s quite likely they’ll delete you from their memory banks. You can’t really expect to ‘Afterpay’ them, especially without a deposit.  

With that in mind, it’ll be best to treat dating casually (more than usual). However, the right people are going to respond to your sense of responsibility. And once restrictions are lifted, you may well have a Rolodex of people ready and waiting for you. 

All the best, Mike.

Love, 

The EE

It can undoubtedly be tough for those of us who are incredibly attractive to turn eager sexual partners away in the midst of lockdown. Photo: Free-Photos/Pixabay.

Q: I am a staunch Labor voter but I am ashamed to admit I have a crush on Gladys and how she is handling the pandemic. Especially when she gives Scott a dressing down. What can I do to exorcise these feelings? 

Siouxsie, Oatley

A: Dear Siouxsie, 

Firstly, please don’t be ashamed of these feelings. We suspect a lot of people have a crush on Gladys, regardless of their political affiliation. The rest are frothing for Kerry (hell, there are probably a few outliers into Brad).

We humans are notoriously drawn to authority figures in times of crisis. Political scientist John E. Mueller, in a paper called Presidential Popularity from Truman to Johnson, coined the term ‘Rally Around The Flag’ to describe the brief, heightened popularity of a government when the shit hits the fan. 

Even that chaotically hirsute ball-bag trapped in a rented suit, Boris Johnson, was reported to experience something like it when he caught Covid.

By contrast, the NSW Premier is a fox. Yes, the authority of those infamous morning briefings is kind of problematic – but it’s there if you want to find it. And we’ve all certainly had enough time in our lonely isolation to put enough thought into extrapolating some possibilities

So, for example, if you’re hypothetically thinking her goodie-two-shoes public persona implies a kink-strewn private world, well, as Gladys might say in a twisted fantasy, “Can I just say, don’t blame yourself.” 

Actually, it might be not be that difficult to exorcise these feelings. All you have to do is remember she’s not only a politician – but used to be actually President of the NSW Young Liberals – which is about as sexy as ScoMo’s alleged hair transplant.

But why bother? We say go with these urges. If perverted inclinations help you deal with the 11am ritual of bad news, then we say go with it.

A panacea for uncertain times, The Existential Expert is a forum where the Sentinel will address the essential questions, you – our readers – have posed. If you have a conundrum, whether it’s spiritual, philosophical or just something that makes you break out in a rash, tweet or DM us @sydney_sentinel. New columns published each Sunday – and you can check out previous ones here!

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is no substitute for professional advice, and should not be treated as such.